Biggest Loser....

I'm in tears right now. I'm watching Biggest Loser and a girl just weighed in weighing my starting weight of 242lbs. OMG I can not believe I weighed that. It's horrible but I mean I look at everyone on the show and know they are fat (that's why they are there) and I can't believe I was the same way. I weighed enough to be on a tv show!!!! I am so disappointed in myself that I let myself gain back what I have in the last year, BUT I did not gain it all back.

Instead of quitting and saying it's too hard though I'm going to do better! I'm going to BE better. I MUST make this part of my daily life. I MUST do 30 min of SOMETHING, even with school, even when I'm tired, even when I feel like I'm taking away family or hubby time, I MUST do this.

Before the weigh in tonight I had done three 10 min smaller workouts today (nothing that would hurt my back) and then did 10 min on the elliptical machine when the show started.

The road is not always (ever?) easy.  But it is my road and I need to own it.  I need to DO something about it.  Every day. Every day.  Just a little bit at a time.  

Should I or shouldn't I? You decide!

In just 4 days I'll have technically completed Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred.  I pushed back my end date so that I will have gotten 30 workouts but I think I'm still short one or two.  Still all things considered it's pretty cool.  I actually like the work out. 

I'm looking for the next thing I should do.  If it's on Netflix or free somewhere on the internet even better!  So give me your ideas.  I like things that are in the 30 min range because I have time for that even with the kiddo home with me during the day in the summer, and during the school year that's all I'll likely be able to commit to on any one day. 

I'm not sure if I'll post the before and after pictures or not, because I took the before pictures in my sports bra and workout pants and I'm not really happy about sharing the stretch marks on the internet.  But I'll make sure I take two sets of after, one without the tank top on and one with, so you'll get a current picture of me.  I haven't lost much weight this month (I think the scale lies) but I'm obviously stronger now than I was when I started so I'm hoping that shows. I might be persuaded but it would have to be by a lot of people LOL!

Mike and I started doing water aerobics twice a week.  It is sort of fun actually.  We are the only people under about 70 years old but that's okay, they're inviting us to play Bridge :)  I did tell Mike I wanted to meet new couples but this wasn't quite what I had in mind.  At least we're doing something together and it is exercise.  Plus in the water is good for Mike because even if it has been 90 out Mike feels comfortable in the water.  I'm really thinking about a pool for us, something decent sized. 

Are you up for the challenge?  Convince me to post the actual before pictures.  And sell me your workout videos and where I can find them.  

Summertime!

I really do love summer.  I love the warmth (Mike says I'm a reptile), I love the sunshine, the hours of light, the smells.  I do NOT love the mosquitoes.  They are annoying me already. 

Sarah and I are running together.  I'm really enjoying it.  We're doing the C25K (again for me) but this time it's all on the road which I haven't done before, I did most of it on the treadmill last year.  Road running is so different than treadmill.  One isn't better or worse than the other but they just are different.  I love having a partner to run with, it makes the time pass faster.  I didn't even mind the rain storm the other day, until it was raining so hard we couldn't see.  Luckily we made it home before the hail started.  Of course the power was out. 

I'm working on these last 20ish pounds to lose, but I'm really hoping most about toning the middle of me.  I hate my middle.  So if those last 20 come off, I'm hoping a lot of it is off that middle.  But overall toning and working out should make that happen. 

In addition to running I'm doing the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels.  It is quick and fits into the morning easily.  I WILL do a full 30 days without missing.  I do have pictures but we'll see if I'm brave enough to post the before pictures or just the after ones.  Yes I'm a chicken, yes I've posted pictures before but this feels different, more out there, more personal. 

In just 10 days we're having a party for our tenth anniversary and I'm wearing a great fun party dress that I could not have fit into when we got married so I know I should be proud of myself (and I am) but I still feel like this is always an up hill battle.  I'm not sure when or if it will ever be "easy" but it is something I NEED to keep doing for myself.  I like the way I feel when I work out, and I like the way I look thinner, oh yeah and I'm sure I'm healthier too (but lets be honest, most of us work out to look good, not be "healthy"). 

So for anyone out there thinking they can't do this, take a look back at the weight loss posts here and the pictures, the struggles and the successes.  I know that even when there is a set back I'm still LEAPS and BOUNDS ahead of where I was before I got off that couch!  So just do it!

This shouldn't surprise you

It shouldn't surprise anyone that during school I fall off the blogging band wagon.  So here's the general "oh shit I forgot I have this" update.

I've finished my Medical Terminology class, all 12 weeks of it in about 3 weeks with a 97%.  I'm hating Intro to Psych because there is NO interaction with anyone in the class and the instructor doesn't get back to you either (a poor review will happen at the end of the semester).  My Health Psych class is good, I've taken another class with this instructor and I like her style.  My Intro to Modern Cinema class has been going well and I actually enjoy analyzing films. 

I have three papers to write for the classes I'm not done with.  I'm doing a PTSD treatment paper for Intro to Psych, no idea what the criteria is for the second psych class yet so don't have a topic but I have some ideas on what it might be, and my Modern Cinema class is comparing the 1951 Disney's Alice In Wonderland to the 2010 Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland.  So that should be interesting. 

Other than that lets see... I have applications into both MATC and Cardinal Stritch for the spring semester to figure out where I'm doing clinicals.  I'm really hoping for MATC because it's just soooooo much cheaper and I don't have to panic about it.  I should know about Halloween time for both of those.

I've been maintaining weight right now which is okay, I needed a break and to see if I could live with this weight which is an "okay" weight for me but I've decided that I'm really NOT okay with it yet and I need to kick it back up for another 8-10lbs so that I can give myself some flux room for this current weight to be my "high" weight.  I really want to do some more core work too so I'm looking at some videos now because I need to have set goals to do well.

I have a job now, just Saturday nights, working for a private client doing home health aide stuff and some light house keeping.  I don't mind it and he's a nice enough guy, older but sharp and funny.  I think he's stating to warm up to me too.

I think that's it.  I should have another post around Halloween about Trick or Treating and school and stuff!!  Til them I promise I'm not dead just busy with school!

For recording sake

For the sake of recording things I need to put this down here so that I can find it at some point in the future that I'm not even thinking about yet ;)  Since I did something that one year ago I never even considered doing, that I didn't think was possible.  Something that 9 weeks ago was a pipe dream that I thought "what the heck give it a try"

HOLY COW!!! tonight felt good on the treadmill and ran a full 5k (including warmup and cool down time of course) Took me 43:41 to do the whole thing (I figure I wouldn't be the last person done right? :P) So I ran extra time just because I wanted to hit it so badly! Plus you can't quit when Christina Aguilera's "Stronger" comes on followed by Michael Jackson "Man in the Mirror"

I think I might officially be a real runner!!! I really did cry a little after I finished.

This was W9D1 of C25k (couch to 5k) There is not a smilie in the world for how amazing this feels.

Keep plugging along!

I'm sure we've all had weeks where things didn't go quite right, where stress stacked up.  It really started last week with my CNA exam and failing my practical.  Really I promise to never pour urine in a sink ever again.  I'm okay with laughing about it now really ;) 

Then misc other things stacked up and it put me into this funk.  I just couldn't shake it.  I had a great time this weekend with a party at the house with all of our friends.  I loved seeing everyone, but then I feel sad because we just don't get together like that very often anymore and I miss that type of hanging out.  The kind where there are people in every room and you can just float around and join in whatever conversation is going on, or a game or whatever.  That there are just people everywhere.  I love that, really! 

I learned something new about myself this week though, even when things suck and I feel in a funk I can push through and work out and that actually makes me feel better!  Doing a hard run and coming in last night to marinate dinner for tonight afterward really made the difference.  I didn't just cop out and stuff my face, I didn't just skip the workout because I didn't "feel" like doing it.  I did it.  And it helped!  I'm still amazed at this sometimes. 

So even though school will be starting and my financial aide is still a disaster but I have the paperwork to hopefully fix it, I need a CPR class done ASAP, and I need to retake my CNA practical, I know I'll get through it.  I know that I can do it.  I can push through, suck it up and do what I need to do. 

Tonight dinner is Asian Chicken from Skinny Taste and corn on the cob.  It will be wonderful and it will taste great (I hope) and I'll have another great recipe to add to my repertoire.   So even if you're having a tough time just keep plugging along and things will get better, and you'll be glad you didn't stuff your face with crap you know you don't like and don't want.

Milestone today

Today I did something I really didn't believe I could REALLY do, I mean I hoped I could but I wasn't quite sure.  It was so far out of my comfort zone and something I'd never done before.  Now I know that this is the first of many of these milestones.

I am HALF WAY through the C25k program.  Today I ran for 8 minutes (in a row!), walked 5 and then ran 8 more (in a row!) and I didn't die, I didn't collapse, and I didn't look like an idiot.

Of course I'm not feeling ready for the next one which is just to run for 20 minutes (in a row!) but that's really only 4 more minutes than I ran today, just cut out the random walking in the middle and I'd be almost there.  So whether I go straight to that, or I modify it somehow, or repeat today even.  I can do this!  I am strong, I am brave and I was born to be this way (LOL okay I got carried away with some Gaga but can you blame me?!)

So for anyone out there that's thinking "I can't do this" or "I'll never get there" you will!  You can!  It's not going to happen over night and there are going to be rough patches, times you feel like giving up but if you don't give up and you get back up when you stumble you too can do it!!  Every day is a new day and that means a fresh start.

I want to really say thank you to my husband for supporting me, and telling me that I was beautiful and sexy and smart and wonderful no matter how I felt, or how I looked.  I know that's true love ;)  I know that he's my biggest cheerleader (minus the skirt) and will always have my back.  We're a team.  I love you so much honey, infinity plus one <3

It's hot...finally

I'm weird, I like it hot. really!  I do not like humidity but in Wisconsin one goes hand in hand with the other.  Thankfully it's not TOO humid out (dew point is about 70 and humidity is 75% right now) but I'll take it over the 50 and 60 degree days we had all of June.  This girl needs some sunshine!!

Yesterday I was supposed to do W3D1 of C25K and I chickened out.  It was hot last night too and we'd been at the park for my Grandma's birthday party most of the afternoon.  Lame excuse I know.  So today I knew I HAD to do it no matter what because I'd had 2 days off already and if I go more then I won't want to keep doing it.  No fun plans today, until a friend called us.  Now I'm like "OHHH shoot, I need to do it now".  Of course it's the warmest part of the day and it's sunny.  So I decided to do the run on the treadmill, which is in the garage, so it's still HOT.  I turned the fan on and went for it. 

Uhh running on the treadmill is about a million times easier than running on the ground.  I even went faster today than I normally do (since I covered more "ground" by the end it's easy to track).  But I felt like I wasn't working as hard.  So that's good and bad.  Good because I was worried about this new week and this was a good confidence boost.  Bad because I'll want to do the treadmill instead of the road but the only way to do a real race is on the road silly!  So I'm looking forward to getting back to the road (sidewalk) tomorrow or Monday for the second day of this week. 

For today though, friends, food, and fireworks!  I can see fireworks 3 nights in a row if I really want, and I love fireworks so we just might!  Happy Independence Day to everyone! Have a safe holiday and remember to thank those that have served our country!

Thoughts about running and walking

So I'm still a very baby runner, honestly it's still more walking than running, but it's more running than I've done...oh ever.  I finished W2D3 (week 2 day 3) of the C25k program (couch to 5k) yesterday.   I feel like those 90 second runs are still super hard.  Tonight I think I'm going to do a 4th day in Week 2 just for the extra workout of it. 

Maybe each week I won't really feel ready to move on but how am I to know what's in my head and what's my body telling me I need to do an extra workout or an extra week?  How do I get over my own mind games?  It's super frustrating.  I just want to feel confident about myself and my (baby) abilities.  I don't like feeling like I'm floundering or unsure of what I'm doing.

I do know what my plan is.  My plan is to keep plugging along and to keep running and keep progressing through the program.  I know the program works for many people and I feel like it will for me.  I think that sooner or later there will just be a day or a week were I'm suddenly like "oh hai I can do this better today".  I'm looking forward to that day. 

Until then I'm going to keep my head down and put one foot in front of the other and see where that takes me.

The thing about weight loss is

that it is a long journey and day to day I don't always feel or see the differences.  I'm so glad now that I forced myself to take those before pictures.  I can NOT believe that's what I looked like.  I didn't FEEL like I was quite that heavy but I really honestly was.  Say it with me, I was obese :(  Now I'm down 65lbs from my starting weight. 

177lbs June 24, 2011

Starting weight 242lbs Aug 2010

I started this road last August just after I turned 28.  When I realized that I was going to be a nurse in the near future and I could have patients that I would have to tell to lose weight.  Uhh how could I do that and be obese myself?  I just couldn't.  It's like telling someone to quit smoking while puffing on one, people roll their eyes at you (Oh yeah I don't do that anymore either ;P).  

I am still overweight, but I'm getting closer.  BMI is a tool worth using.  So many of us throw it out the window in part because we are lying to ourselves about weight.  It is only part of the story of course but if you can get within one point of that healthy BMI I'd be okay with being in the "overweight" range, I mean I have huge knockers ;)  It matters what your bone structure is like and there are actual ways to determine if you really are "big boned" or medium frame.  There have even been studies that show that we're so overweight as a nation we don't even know what normal weight looks like anymore!  That's horrible. 

But more important than the number on the scale is the way I feel.  I feel amazing!  I'm not as tired as I was before, I don't feel like I need to nap every day.  I enjoy the exercise and I'm always looking for new ways to exercise.  I'm RUNNING! If you've known me for any length of time you'll know that the only way I would have run before was if zombies or a bear was chasing me, and then I'd trip you so that you'd get eaten first.  Now I'm enjoying it.  I'm a baby runner right now.  I just finished W2D1 of the C25K program (translation Week 2 day 1 of the couch to 5k programs) and I've begun looking at 5k races to do when I'm officially done with the program. 

I enjoy the fact that I can go into a clothing store and likely find several things in my size that I like, not just that aren't horrible looking on me.   I enjoy the fact that if you told me I'd never lose the rest of the weight I wouldn't stop eating well and exercising.  I enjoy that I do look better (come on be honest this is why most of us want to lose weight). 

I have realistic expectations and know that this is my life I'm talking about.  It's my future, and it is amazing!  I know that I have 30 min most days to squeeze in SOME workout no matter how busy I am with life, family or school.  It keeps me sane!

Now don't get me wrong I still enjoy a good "bad" meal now and then but I limit how many times a year that is and I still choose better options now than I would have before and I always still eat less (get the box right at the beginning of the meal, out of sight out of mind). 

For anyone thinking "It's too hard" "I have too much to lose" "I can't do this" believe me you can, one small step at a time.  Start by changing just ONE thing about your diet OR exercise and live with it for a couple weeks, then change another.  Slowly all those little things add up.  We don't give up addictions we just change their focus, so now my addiction will be exercise and healthy living! 

Good Bye 200s!

I need to brag for a moment.

I officially weigh 199lbs as of today and hit my goal of being below 200lbs before 2011 started

It took me almost 5 months (Jan 8th will be 5 months) but I have lost 43lbs and TWO pant sizes so far.

I started out by just watching my food and using www.myfitnesspal.com to log EVERYTHING I put into my mouth. No one was forcing me to eat an extra portion or a cupcake only *I* decide what goes into my body. I had just finally reached a point that I was done feeling fat, lazy and unable to do what I want and wear what I want.

I could only do 5 min on the elliptical machine I was so out of shape and a 30 min walk was only a mile walk I was so slow (LOL) BUT I did it. I now spend between 3-40 min on the elliptical machine 4-6 days a week. I FEEL better. It's amazing.

I have about 35lbs more to go to my "ultimate" goal. I'll see when I get there if I want to go another 10-15lbs or not. It will depend on how toned I am.

I just wanted to post to brag but to also let anyone else out there who wants to start and thinks that 5 min of exercise won't make a difference or just cutting out dessert etc won't help. I want to tell you it DOES. One small change can lead to more. I splurged on Christmas Day, and two nights ago friend were over and we had custard (which I HIGHLY regretted the next day and won't do again). So I'm not perfect and I always give myself one freebie day a month to eat something SUPER yummy, special and totally outside my calories.

I will NEVER weigh 200lbs again. I WILL spend 2011 continuing to lose weight and get in shape. And by this time in 2011 I'll have to come up with a new goal for 2012

The end is near!

Insert ominous music here....

The end of the semester is near, just one more week left! PUSH THROUGH!  Then a month off before it starts all over again.

The end of the year is also near.  That means Gabe will be FOUR!!!!! in just 14 days.  I simply can not believe that he's four already.  Where has the time gone? 

The end of the basement is getting near, we're drywalling on Sunday, please don't snow, please don't snow.  Then just floor to put in and we'll be moving stuff downstairs :D

The end of the year is always a little odd for me now.  I think part of it is Gabe's birthday.  I hate that his birthday is so wrapped up with Christmas.  I hate that people will combine gifts for him and they wouldn't for a kid who's birthday was, oh in any other month.  I hate that the kid thinks the whole week is about him.  I hate the cold and the snow.  I'm seriously dreaming of Vegas.  I hear it call to me every time I have to scrape a car, or freeze my fingers driving or walking.  Someday, someday we will go and we will love it.

For now I need to focus on school and finishing up this semester, then I can start looking at the next one, my final pre-requisite semester!  I am dreaming of the day that I finish school and can start working so that Mike can work less.  I dream of being a nurse and helping people and loving my job.  I never dreamed I'd say that either.  I didn't grow up wanting to be a nurse, it just happened.  Sometimes things happen for a reason.  I know now that it is what I'm meant to do and be. 

I am nearing a new year, a new me, skinnier me ;)  I'm already down 37lbs which is my HALF WAY MARK! I'm feeling better than ever and really enjoying working out (most days).  I have some new plans for weight training and some different things as soon as we're in the basement.  I also have somehow agreed to the Warrior Dash which is something I wouldn't have even considered before I started this journey.  Now I think it might be fun.  It will be something to give me a new training reason come spring too. 

I think I've rambled enough and I still have two papers to finish for microbiology so I better get cracking, oh yeah and I MUST install insulation in my basement today whether anyone helps me or not. 

The mirror vs my mind

I found it odd that today I looked in the mirror naked (EEK!) and thought, when did that happen?  I've been wearing pants that are definitely too big for me because I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that I really am losing weight.  Sure things are flabby and stretched out (thanks kid) but there's just LESS of me. 



I need to start wearing pants that actually fit my current size so that my brain can catch up to what is really there vs what my mind thinks is still there. So I'm wearing a pair of pants that is the correct size today, even though I think the cut is like a mom jean (eww) but at least it is a step in the correct direction. I'm wearing a sweater I haven't fit into in I don't even know how long.  Now if I could find tops that were long enough I'd be even happier.  No one needs to be seeing those stretch marks.  I have been taking pictures as I go along so we'll see how brave I get if they ever get posted (tank top and jeans).

I feel so much different now.  I'm actually more okay with my body now than I ever was even when I was a size 8 and Playboy material.  I'm happier with myself.  I'm more confident in myself and I actually like the workouts sometimes.  Who would have thunk?

I've tried new foods and new recipes that I never thought I would enjoy.  I've tried new exercises and look forward to trying more of them.  Of course I'm looking forward to some REALLY hot clothes but more than that I'm looking forward to not huffing and puffing if I have to climb some stairs (I already can do two flights without dying now).  I'm looking forward to being HEALTHY, the hot part is a bonus.  The best part?  My hubby has always thought I was hot and that is the best motivator of all! 

So I started

I started a change. I wasn't going to post about it here but I think I should. I started walking every evening. I started actually paying attention to what I put into my body. I started losing weight. This is going to be a marathon and not a sprint people but I'm doing it. I have disclosed my weight for several people but I won't here ;) I will tell you that in just 5 days I lost 6lbs. I know that's mostly water weight but I'll take it. I'm going to TRY and only weigh in once a week but we'll see if I can hold out next week since I didn't this week.

I'm using www.myfitnesspal.com to track my food and exercise progress and its super easy to use and has an iPhone app to use when I'm out.

I will say that I have about 75lbs I want to lose. HOLY COW! That's a lot. So I'm breaking it down into pieces. My first goal is for Maurice's Modeling thingy that I'm doing. The next one is my 10 year reunion. After that I'll have to think of something fun.

My goal is 2lbs a week which means I'll be down to my goal by mid May next year. Not too shabby really.

I FEEL different this time. I feel ready. I WANT to be smart and healthy. I'm trying new foods and finding a few that I like (who knew Tilapia was good?!) I'm on the hunt for some new healthy recipes and ideas for any meals from breakfast, lunch and dinner to new snacks. If you have any share them please :D

Also I'm going to need ideas for what to do in the winter when it's too cold to walk outside. I have an elliptical that I'm going to have to be friends with but no treadmill (BOO! I want one). Maybe I can get luck and get a free month gym membership somewhere too.

So turning 28 turned over a new leaf. A new ME leaf. A new journey in my life. It's not going to be easy and I'm sure I'll trip and fall along the way but I WILL get back up and keep going. I will do this for me, for my health and my vanity.

Here's to hot clothes and a cute swimming suit next summer!!!!